Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
