Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
