I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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