Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
