I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
