me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
