He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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