i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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