I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
