Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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