need another drink. this is the easiest way
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
