You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
