While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
