i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
