ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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