I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
