bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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