Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
