Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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