Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
My liver just had a heart attack.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
