got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize