I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
