someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
