Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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