I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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