it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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