Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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