She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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