I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
