Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
