i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
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Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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