Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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