I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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