How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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