You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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