She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
