i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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