you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
