i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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