My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
