I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
