the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
