You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
