I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
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Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
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Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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