u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
