I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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