I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
