Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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