Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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