I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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