You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
