I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
