i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
