I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just want nice things and good sex
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
