we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
