Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
